3:03 AM

Pirate Monkeyness

Pirate Movie Reviews


Cutthroat Island

'Tis been a long time since I saw this movie. It came out nigh on 11 years ago. I remember two things. It flopped 'n Geena Davis kicked ass as a pirate. I thought it as a fun, action-packed pirate movie. Then again, that was long ago and maybe I had too much rum. To catch up, I spent a few doubloons on the rental 'n bottle of rum.

Captain's Log

(wherein I relay me thoughts as I watch and drink, but I don' give naught away)

Arrgh! Whar's the sea? Horses? I thought this here was a pirate movie. Oh. Thar 'tis.
These pirates need th' Pirate Translator in a bad way. They sound like a bunch of Americans back when thar weren't no America.
I like William Shaw (Matthew Modine) -- thief, liar, good with th' wenches.
Morgan (Geena Davis) has a monkey. Monkeys are good. Pirates 'n monkeys. Thar's somethin' to that.
Morgan says "Excuse me" a lot. What's wit' that? I thought she were a pirate.
Need another rum.
Lots of explosions 'n I don' know why. Then again, explosions are good.
Rum number three. I downed th' second afore the ice started t' melt, so I have a feelin' this movie is gonna get better mighty fast. Ice? Aye. I know. Real pirates would be drinkin' their rum straight from th' bottle 'n here I am mixin' mine wit' orange juice 'n ice. On top o' that, I'm usin' a straw. Yer know what? Real pirates wore tights 'n frilly shirts 'n they di'nt care wha' other people thought, so I'll drink me rum how I damn please. Plus, the orange juice keeps the scurvy away.
What's wit' all th' slow motion 'n dramatic music?
The bad pirate be mighty bad. Ye know 'cause he shoots his own crew, has a serrated sword, 'n squishes spiders in his bare hands.
Now thar be some mighty good ship t' ship fightin'. Cannons, pirates swingin' on ropes, musket fire, swashbucklin'. 'Tis wha' a pirate movie is all about.

Things t' drink to

lots o' pirates, swordfighting, monkey, explosions, big pirate ships, tatooed-faced man, treasure map in parts, storm at sea

Things t' throw overboard

no piratey speech, googly eyes between Morgan and William

Good lines

"Sold to the lady with the monkey"
"On the boat, under the seaty thing."

Bad lines

"I'll need surgeons tools" - William Shaw (Matthew Modine) while on pirate ship
"Bad Dawg!" -- Morgan Adams (Geena Davis) to Dawg Brown (Frank Langella)

What to drink?

There weren't any mentions of rum, but Morgan gets drunk off of something in a bottle. The monkey breaks a bottle and it looks like wine. Bad monkey.

What to eat?

This is a little tougher. We get to see some moray eels, but I don't think they eat them. They do eat a lizard. I'm not sure what you're gonna do with that bit of information. Good luck.

Parent Guide

Sex - A little racey at times. Starts with Geena Davis's naked back after she has slept with a man. Matthew Modine describes his pretend career in a suggestive way. More of same. Lots of suggestion, but no nudity.

Violence - Lots of swordfighting with people getting slashed and falling down. No blood. Gina Davis gets shot and bleeds, but it never seems too serious. Towards the end, Gina has bloody spots on her frilly shirt and the bad guy is shot point blank with a cannon, which sends him flying through the back of the ship. No gore with it.

Other scary things - There were rotting bodies in cages at the beginning. Part of the treasure map is her dead father's scalp.